Location: Books & Such Main Office, Santa Rosa, Calif.

An agent’s Monday starts out much like yours, I bet, but you tell me. Here’s a typical Rachel Monday:

The alarm clock rings, and I hit snooze. This process repeats itself until I know that if I don’t get out of bed, I’m going to be seriously late to work. I already sacrificed the time for my shower two or three snoozes ago. Good thing the people at work understand and also usually look a little rumpled on Monday.

I get ready for work and grab the most important meal of any Monday–my coffee–then it’s off to the office.

On arrival, I take a quick inventory of my workload.

Email box full? Check!

Query box full? Check!

Stack of mail at least two feet high? Check!

My calendar is pretty clear today. Personally, I don”t like having Monday phone calls because I need Mondays to get revved up for the week. If there’s an emergency or if there is no other day that could work for a call, I’ll of course have a Monday call, but if I can avoid ‘em I do.

I typically spend my Mondays clearing queries. At Books & Such, this used to involve hours of sending individual replies to each author. This last year we made a change; we now inform authors on our website and with an auto-reply that we’ll only reply to the queries that seem to be a good fit for our agency and that intrigue us enough to ask to see more. This was a necessary step because queries were eating away our work time (we can’t earn a living just by reading queries), and it has really freed us. Now query review is as simple as reading queries and sorting them into the appropriate email folders. If I see something I like, I send a request for a proposal. If the book isn’t a proper fit for our agency, we put it in a sub-folder marked with the current month and year. The time we save by using the standard reply allows us to read the letters we receive more thoroughly, too.

I also spend time on Monday answering emails from the authors I represent. Their notes are very important to me, and I try to answer them as quickly as possible.

By the time 5 pm rolls around, Ive worked up an appetite and am ready for dinner.

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: A sunny Friday

We’ve talked about avoiding the too-clever query and giving too much information. We’re going to wind up this week by talking about those queries that fail because they are filled with hyperbole and cringeworthy braggadocio.

Here are some quotes from actual queries I’ve received:

Over the past nine years, I’ve been working on a project to bring world peace.

Hmm. World peace. It would be wonderful if it were to happen but too often those things are out of our control as authors. My advice to this writer would be not to over-promise.

We’re talking about a literary masterpiece spanning over 1,000 pages.

Try to avoid using words like “masterpiece” when describing your own work. I won’t even go into the impossibility of the book length.

I can assure you, if you pass this opportunity by, you will grieve the loss of millions of dollars.  I must stress, however, that I must absolutely find the best book deal possible, and I will be contacting several literary agencies in order to find it.

I don’t even think I need comment on this one. Don’t dangle the commission you expect the agent to make from your work– it comes off as crass. The agent is the one who knows the business and has a good sense of the relative value of projects.

What must I do for you to take on my book and run with my idea?  (When you get the full scope of my idea, you will be amazed, I promise you!)

Rather than be “amazed” in the future, it would have been nice to have been given the scope of the book in the query letter. Too many query letters talk about the book in superlatives but neglect to ever say what it is about. If you are afraid someone will steal your idea you’re not going to be able to find an agent or sell your book.

I think Ralph Waldo Emerson summed it up best: “The mark of the man of the world is absence of pretension. He does not make a speech; he takes a low business-tone, avoids all brag, is nobody, dresses plainly, promises not at all, performs much. speaks in monosyllables, hugs his fact. He calls his employment by its lowest name and so takes from evil tongues their sharpest weapon. His conversation clings to the weather and news, yet he allows himself to be surprised into thought and the unlocking of his learning and philosophy.”

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: Warm and sunny

In the comments yesterday I mentioned how important it is for me to know something about the author in the query. When I agree to represent a new client I am representing that writer for a whole career, not just one book. I need to know who you are and what you’ve done. That said, however, it is important not to give TMI (too much information). Keep it succinct. Again, pique my interest. If you’ve been referred by one of my clients be sure to mention it.

What is TMI? Let me give you a few real-life examples– carefully redacted so as not to identify the writer.

Besides the book I have published (not a good publisher I ended up getting, I was young in the industry without much knowledge or business experience) . . .

Don’t denigrate another agent or publisher in your query letter. There’s enough time later to do a post-mortem of a failed book or a troubled agent/author relationship, but when you are just meeting someone it comes off as judgmental, blaming, and whiny. Your assessment may very well be true but you need a deeper relationship to risk the way it sounds.

As you can see from the following material, my wife and I are desperate. Our bankruptcy is in Federal Appeals Court (headed for the Supreme Court?), and our attorney, [name of attorney] aware of my intellectual property [name of manuscript] has advised me to offer it on the open market. Perhaps you can help.

Mentioning your financial need could well be the death knell for a query, no matter how wonderful the book. This industry moves slowly and a potential agent knows that, like any new business, it will take a number of years for an author to break even. A client who is financially strapped tends to write too fast out of desperation and make terrible decisions out of need that harm a long term career plan.

My name is [Jane Doe], I am a 41 year old divorced mom, (former victim of emotional and verbal abuse) dental hygienist, lecturer, home sex toy party sales person and author. My X husband lost his job 1 week after our “D” was final.  After years of hearing you’re nothing, how wrong he was.

Ignoring the sex toy sales job (way, way TMI), an agent is looking for a professional. It’s sad, but too much drama tends to get in the way of a writing career. Yes, we all have stuff in our past, but we need to have worked through that  before we take up pen to share universal truths through story. Even if you haven’t quite worked through your personal angst, don’t share it in a query. If you are writing a book in which your personal experiences form the basis of your expertise then that’s a different issue. Just be sure to be professional and emotionally detached in a query.

I am a new writer and have never, ever submitted any work to any agent or publisher.  But I had prayed about writing a worthwhile book and an idea just popped into my head one day.  I have been working on that idea for 2 months now and am planning on completing it by the fall. It is an excellent idea…straight from the mind of God Himself and I am humbled He gave it to me, of all people!

Anyone who knows me knows I believe God sometimes does inspire us but do not put it in a query. It’s one of those things you should silently ponder in your heart. As soon as you claim it in order to sell a book it makes it seem trite. A couple of other things from this query: a writer of only two months should not be querying agents. It’s time to begin studying the market, learning the craft and getting to know other writers. And do not denigrate yourself in your query like saying “me, of all people.” Writing a query letter is like applying for a job. You have to believe in yourself or you will never make it in this crazy industry.

As for marketing the story, I was hoping that would be your expertise; otherwise, if I had enough money, I would publish it myself.   I would make it a paperback, so it would be more affordable to parents with young children.  It would have glossy pages, so their sticky fingers wouldn’t ruin the book.  The book should be at least an 8-1/2 by 11 or larger, so it is visually appealing to the boys and girls and with large type so they can read along to some extent.  To add interactive play with the book, you could sell it with a stuffed toy that is accompanied with outfits.

If an agent asks for marketing ideas for a query do your homework. (Most agents do not want this in a query. Save it for the proposal.) Though most agents do help some with marketing ideas that is not our expertise. Also, by saying that if she had money she’d self-publish, it makes it appear that traditional publishing is this author’s last choice. And, above all, do not give directions for designing the book. That would even be presumptuous of an agent to say to a publisher.

I read only one book, when I was 6 years old, and it was 12 pages long. I went to the kindergarten, and read them my first and last book. Sure, I had to read when I went to school, and at work, but I would skim through everything and look for the most important things in the book, or in any manual. I have paid the consequences in my life, by not reading anyone’s books in my life. I am telling you the truth; I haven’t even read an entire magazine before!

This one was too sad. I think we can all read between the lines and see that this potential author must have a learning disability which does not in itself disqualify someone from being a writer. I represent a bestselling author who suffered from dyslexia in school. What does disqualify someone is if they don’t read. Even if one is reading-challenged, there are tried-and-true methods that can be employed to overcome it. It is imperative to read widely in your category or your genre. If you are not a reader, you cannot be a writer.

These are just a few examples. Have you ever wondered if you might be giving too much information?

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: 82º (Ten degrees hotter than yesterday)

Great comments so far on queries. Today we are going to get into some dos and don’ts. Let me say again, these are not rules, they are suggestions and they are subjective. My don’ts might just be another agent’s dos. But discussing it will only help us examine the process further.

When you are sending a query, don’t try to be clever. I know you want your query to be memorable, but humor is the most subjective art form there is. Think about what makes you laugh out loud. I’ll bet you have a friend who is annoyed by the very same thing. I love Garrison Keillor. If I could chose a spiritual hometown it would be lake Woebegon, but I have friend who finds him obnoxious. Go figure.

The only exception to this “rule” is if you are writing humor. Then your query needs to reflect that. Other than that, beware. Let me show you some carefully redacted “clever” queries. None of these even hinted what the book was about so don’t worry that I’m divulging any intellectual property.

My name is [John Doe] and I’m an enigma. I’ve also written a [umpteen] word manuscript or else this query would really be a waste of your, mine and our time.  I believe in capitalism but don’t want to work for the man.  I believe in freedom but don’t want to fight for it.  I’m against war but stay silent, mostly, on America’s practices of exploitation.  I grew up in an anti-Communist America, but think the government should help me out while staying out of my personal life.  In short, I am conflicted.

<SNIP a ton of superfluous details>

Suffice it to say, my [describes book]. It is stupid in its brilliance and brilliant in its stupidity…tragic in its verisimilitude and verisimilitudey in its tragicness…It is both an indictment of the vapidity of pop culture and a sentimental journey through a mind obsessed with it.  In short my new friend, my book saves lives.

<SNIP another two pages of stuff>

Right now—at this very moment—I am entering the stretch run of my college career.  I am [00] years old and am about to graduate from the [a university].  {The aforementioned dog is graduating from the [another university], with a degree in aeronautics or barking or something…it’s probably barking, which is where we dropped her off}

Okay. Clever? Did it appeal to you? Do you see the risk the writer took in trying to be edgy? Picture an agent trying to squeeze in queries at the end of a long, trying day. This doesn’t work. Clever is a huge risk. It may have worked for another agent but for me— it just made me cranky.

So how about this clever one. It’s a reply to the email I sent this writer telling him he just queried the wrong address and offering him the correct address:

Whatever. You have a “finger” right?, you can send it cant you? Geeeese. Just forward the message. This is one of the greatest stories EVER told. I dont have time to waste.

Now that’s certainly a humorous way to endear yourself to an agent. Or how about this one?

It’s almost not fair. Actually it isn’t fair. It’s so not fair.  Here I am, left with a page, one page, just one page, to grab your attention and set aside my query letter from the rest of the hundreds and maybe thousands that you get on a weekly basis, so you contact me back to read my manuscript. But that’s what they say about life right? It’s not fair, or is it that it’s like a box of chocolates? No, that was Forest Gump, good movie huh? If it was a true story then it’d be a great movie. I wanna be like Forest Gump, but I’m not slow, so I’ll be the smart Forest Gump and go on and do great things(have I gotten your attention yet?) Well If not then let me keep going….

You don’t know me, as an author, but you should. You know why you should? Well do ya? I’ll tell ya why, because I am a best selling author. That’s right a best selling author, if this was 8 to 12 months from now.  Ooops, I know I’m not supposed to say that, boast about the books. So I just broke the rules of querying an agent with that one. But hey I gotta get your attention some how right?

Well now let me stop making you laugh…be boring and briefly tell you about those several books I have.

Does this help you understand why agents get cranky about queries? I’m not disparaging these writers. I understand they are trying to find a way to be distinctive, but humor is subjective and therefore risky when querying.

Don’t do it.

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: Return to May sunshine

Great responses yesterday.  You communicated the limitations and frustrations of the query system. Truthfully? It’s one of my least favorite parts of this job. I agree that you can’t capture the essence of a book in a page. The best you can do is pique the interest of your target agent enough to make him ask for more. Katie mentioned that she met her agent through a writing conference. That’s where I’ve connected with the bulk of my clients. There’s nothing like having time to eat a meal together and look at more than a page or two. Contests are another way to get your work in front of agents and editors. But conferences and competitions aren’t possible for everyone so the query remains your introduction.

Before we get into specifics, let me address some common misconceptions. Just remember that these are my opinions and preferences– there is no one size-fits-all when it comes to agents.

Myth #1: When I get a form letter or no response at all, it means either my book is no good or my query was no good. Debunking that Myth: You cannot make that leap. You don’t have enough information. In a perfect world you’d receive  a response telling you why the agent passed on your query. Unfortunately we live in a fallen world. There is not enough time to answer the sheer volume of queries. Not even if I worked twelve hours a day– which I sometimes do. And even worse, if, in a moment of weakness, I have taken time to give a reason for passing on a query, I invariably get a return email asking for clarification, seeking help, proposing rewrites, arguing with me or just striking up a relationship. We’ve all learned we cannot risk opening the dialogue. Sad, but true. So what does the form letter or no response mean?

• It could mean that the agent can’t think of a particular editor for your book at the moment. It might just be that the editors in her particular Rolodex aren’t buying that kind of book right now. Could it change tomorrow? You bet.
• It might mean that the agent’s client list is full or nearly full. It takes a huge chunk of time to take on a new client. The agent needs to set up files, become familiar with the body of work and all the projects underway. It’s a significant commitment to take on a new client. We open up our calendars and think long and hard before making that decision. No agent reads a query and asks to see a partial on a whim.
• It could mean the market is not right for your subject or genre now in that agent’s opinion. And of course, this is subjective. And even if you knew this it wouldn’t help because the next agent may be looking for that exact thing.
• It could mean that the book just doesn’t interest that agent. Again, totally subjective. Nicole commented yesterday that she wished agents would give a list of books they love to help writers unravel this subjectivity. It’s an interesting idea and we do it here on the blog with our “What I am reading” feature, but. . . I represent a wide variety of books and authors. My personal reading tastes are far narrower than the breadth of wonderful books I represent.
• It could mean the crafting of the query indicates that the writing may not be good enough.
• It could mean that the writer didn’t do his homework and the query represents a book outside the agent’s area of interest. I can’t tell you how many queries I receive for books on generic “spirituality” or novels with “hot, hot sex.” *rolls eyes*

So what do you do when you don’t get any information? You keep doing research and you keep sending queries. After a number of passes, you may want to revamp the query in case that is the problem. You’ll also want to hedge your bets by saving your pennies to attend a writing conference and enter writing competitions that are judged by agents and editors.

Myth #2: If I don’t follow the rules for a query an agent will dismiss it out of hand. It’s easy to debunk this one. You will make yourself crazy trying to find the secret decoder ring for the perfect query. Every agent is different. If you follow agents on Twitter, note what they call a #QueryFail one day. You might see them say the exact opposite the next. For me, it’s more about grace than the letter of the law. I may not like queries that open with  rhetorical question but I sure wouldn’t discount a promising book and author on that one point. Don’t obsess about the “rules.” Write a query that uniquely represents the book and the author.

Myth #3: Agents remember the queries they receive. If I sent an amateurish query early-on to an agent I’ve got that mark forever against me. I’ll speak for myself here. There may be agents with photographic memories but I am not one of them. I do not keep a log of rejected queries. I remember stories so yes, I may remember seeing a particular query if I receive a duplicate but I will never remember the author’s name. You can always count on me to see you with fresh eyes.

I’ve only skimmed the surface here, but it’s a start. Any other things you’ve heard about the query process you’d like me to address and possibly debunk? What do you think is the one most important thing to know about the query process?

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: May flowers mixed with May showers

If you are familiar with Twitter then you’ll be familiar with the title of this week’s blog entries– #QueryFail. That’s a hashtag* for complaints about the query letters writers send to introduce themselves and their book to agents. When you see this hashtag it’s usually from an agent commenting on some aspect of a failed book query. I know #QueryFail raises the hackles of many writers but I think it’s time to address some of the realities and many of the problems with queries and with the system.

Tomorrow, I’ll debunk some commonly held misconceptions about queries and then we’ll have some fun with dos and don’ts. I’ll even give examples from real queries. Don’t worry that your query will show up as a cautionary tale. Details will be changed and identities carefully obfuscated.

But. . . before we start I’d like you to tell me your frustrations with the whole query system. I want to give you a chance to weigh in (and sound off) before I begin. Please use the comment section and tell me what you think of the system and how you’d change it. Don’t be shy. Jump in and tell us what makes you crazy and what, if anything, works.

So let’s roll up our sleeves and dig into the subject of query letters.

* Hashtag is the Twitter term for a subject grouping. It’s always preceded with a #. Readers can use the hashtag to pull up that subject and follow all the tweets in that grouping.

Location: Books & Such Central Valley Office

Weather: 61º and rainy

Early on in my life I learned that if I pictured the very worst thing that could happen and figured out some strategies for dealing with it I could defuse a whole lot of anxiety. There’s something very freeing about picturing yourself losing your job, running out of money, selling all your possessions and living the life of an ascetic.

Or not.

This week I thought it would be an interesting exercise to examine four worst case scenarios. I’ll set up the scenario and give you some possible strategies. You can use the comment section to tell me which strategy you’d choose and why. (Hint: There will not necessarily be one right answer.) Or if you are of the shy persuasion you can note your choice at home. The following day I’ll tell you which strategy or strategies I’d recommend and why. And then I’ll set up the following day’s worst case scenario. Hopefully, by the time we’re done, you’ll have pictured the worst possible outcomes of your writing adventure and have some strategies ready to redeem the situation.

So let’s start. . .

Worst case scenario: You’ve spent years honing your craft. You’ve written a book, researched the market and set out to find an agent. You’ve crafted a query letter, polished it and sent it off to twelve appropriate agents. Three letters came back in the SASE by return mail with a form letter with some kind of variation of “does not meet my needs at this time.” Of the email queries, you received two return emails saying that the query was received and if you didn’t hear by xx number of weeks the agency was not interested. You had two nice email rejects with no specific information, just a no thanks. Five months have passed and you’ve had no further correspondence. What do you do?

A. You wait patiently to hear from the seven potentially open queries.

B. You decide the squeaky wheel gets the grease. You recontact everyone, giving more information and even a little nudge or two along the way.

C. You reconsider the query itself, the chosen recipients and the method of querying.

D. You give up. You gave it your best shot and failed miserably.

If it were you, what would you do? Please feel free to comment, choose your strategy and tell us why. If you have real world experience with this, please share.

Location: Books & Such Main Office, Santa Rosa, Calif.

During the Great Depression of the 1930s, the most popular film stars were Shirley Temple, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Astaire and Rogers, in particular, danced through spectaculars, filled with music and beautiful people. The Thin Man series also enjoyed success–clever amateur detectives in beautiful clothing, mingling with wealthy  people in glamorous places and drinking an awful lot of gin.

Why? The theory has been people wanted to escape their troubles and to be entertained–they didn’t want to be reminded of the difficulties currently facing them.

Or did they?

Shirley Temple rarely seemed to have a mother, and more than once she was either kidnapped or witnessed an auto accident. Ginger Rogers frequently was out of work when she stumbled on the agile Astaire–though dancing with him usually carried her away to a brighter future. And for Nick and Nora Charles–well, murder, mayhem, police and thugs often were the order of the day.

I think of these storylines as I read queries about child abuse, vampires, Mafia tales, spousal abuse, forced abortions and mental illness. Frankly, it hurts to read some of the nonfiction projects that reveal terrible experiences people have endured. I’m amazed by their courage and ability to overcome horrific odds to write their stories. Some days, I want to weep at man’s inhumanity to man as described in these manuscripts.

These stories are important, but I have to read through the filter of a book buyer. Why would I want to read this manuscript? What can I take away from it? Who would benefit from this story? Is this a good time–American-psyche-wise–to tell this tale? How can this story be told in a way that entertains without preaching?

Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote a novel that “ignited” a war: Uncle Tom’s Cabin. But the main reason it succeeded was she took a timely tragedy–slavery–and built a story around it that touched readers’ hearts.

If you’re a writer with a difficult subject, how can you write about it in a way that sheds light without discouraging the reader? Do you know of any other books that do a good job in this vein?

Location: Books & Such Central Valley, California Office

Weather: Gorgeous Autumn Weather– sunny and 66º

You’ve seen a number of agent blogs and agent twitters talking about query tips and #queryfail. Agent websites are filled with instructions on how and how-not to query. Nearly every writer’s conference offers a session or two on queries and pitching.

It’s enough to make a writer go apoplectic.

If someone had unlimited time and decided to collect all the tips and all the rules from every tweet, blog and website, I’m guessing those tips could fill a book. Or two. And interestingly enough, I’ll bet every single rule will be contradicted a number of times.

So what’s a writer to do?

Here are my own common sense generic rules for queries:

• If you want to increase your chances of getting that all-important proposal request from your target agent, read the guidelines on his/her website and follow them. This falls into the “do no harm” category.
• If, on the other hand, you are sending to scores of agents and you don’t want to take the time to individualize the queries and the protocol to meet the agency guidelines, just realize that you may be hurting your chances on a percentage of these. It may be worth the trade-off to you.
• If you decide to use a query service, just be aware that all those queries are formatted the same and they strip you of any distinctiveness. We can spot them at first glance.  Again, it can lower your odds.
• Let your query style match the voice of your book. It you write humor, let the query show this. If it is academic, the query needs to reflect that.
• Try not to be annoying. For instance, opening with a rhetorical question has become cringe-worthy to those of us who read queries.
• The things that are important, aside from telling us what the story or book is about, are whether you’ve been referred and if you’ve published successfully previously (especially if you have a strong readership or fabulous sales numbers). For me, hearing that you’ve self-published is usually a negative.

Just do the best you can to craft a query that makes it difficult for the agent to say “no thanks.” And let your e-query be only one of many methods you’re pursuing to get an agent or a publishing contract. You also need to:

• Meet editors and agents in person at writer’s conferences
• Submit directly to those publishers still open to unagented queries
• Enter contests judged by agents and editors
• Continue to connect with published writers who may make introductions

Would I “disqualify” an otherwise excellent query because it did not follow our guidelines? Of course not. Agents are in the business of trying to find bright new talent. The guidelines are just our way of trying to get the info we think we need in order to ferret out the exciting stuff in the most efficient way.

Now it’s your turn: What makes you crazy about this process? Do you find the rules confusing? What has worked for you? Any advice?

Location: Books & Such Main Office, Santa Rosa, Calif.

Agents may dole out hundreds (or thousands) of rejections each year, but we experience rejection from the other side too. Each day we receive rejections from publishing houses for authors’ projects we’ve submitted with hopeful hearts. When I receive one of these rejections, I feel it. I’m disappointed and find it hard to tell my clients that a publishing house has turned us down. While these books aren’t really my projects being rejected (I didn’t write them), they’re still my babies in a way. I want to see those books in print. I love them, and I want to share them with other readers.

Agents also experience rejection when we’re negotiating contracts. Sometimes we present a change to the contracts department at a publishing house and we believe the change is mutually beneficial to the author and the publisher, but the contracts negotiator is immovable for one reason or another. When this happens, it’s frustrating and disappointing because we are unable to get what we want for our clients.

We’re also faced with rejection when we work on obtaining the best titles and cover art for our clients’ books. Most of the time covers and titles are presented to us and they are fabulous, but sometimes we would like to see them tweaked in one way or another. This isn’t usually a problem, and the changes are made, but once in a while the sales people (or some other in-house source) demand that a certain title or cover be used. Though we’re pretty sure that another design or title would have a broader appeal, we’re unable to convince the publishing house to make the change. This is disappointing, but it’s also a lesson in trust. We move forward, hoping that the publisher is right and that the final title and cover sell more books.

So next time you receive a rejection letter from an agent, remember that we understand the feelings that you are experiencing. And remember that, while it’s hard to take rejection, past rejections make the excitement of success even greater.

Now that we’ve talked about rejection all week, I think it’s time for a laugh. Check out this video on YouTube. It shows us how easy and fun publishing SHOULD be.